‘It’s been FIVE YEARS? Mary Ryan, are you freaking kidding me?’
I frowned and glanced around quickly before looking back at my friend Deirdre whose face was comically, or tragically, depending on how you interpreted at it, frozen in shock, mouth hanging open inelegantly.
‘I don’t think they quite heard that in Galway, Dee. Close your mouth, it’s not a good look. And no, I’m not kidding.’
My infinitely glamorous blonde friend immediately clamped her mouth shut and checked to see that no – one had caught her fly – catching moment. We were in a sleek and trendy wine bar just off Grafton street, Dublin’s buzzy exclusive pedestrian shopping district, packed to the brim with shops, bars, cafes and restaurants.
I steeled myself for the onslaught which, as Dee’s bright blue gaze zeroed back onto me, was imminent. Silently I counted down, three, two, one…
‘What the fricking hell, Maro?’ she hissed now, no less audibly. ‘And why have you been lying to me all this time?’
‘I never lied to you,’ I pushed down the need to defend myself for getting too comfortable and frankly, boring, and took a sip of my perfectly chilled Riesling, ‘I merely chose not to elaborate on the fact that it was my busy bunny doing the heavy lifting, and not an actual…appendage attached to a man.’
Dee shook her head, eyes wide. ‘That’s just…wrong. Your hymen must have grown over again.’ She shuddered theatrically no doubt at the thought of undergoing that rite of passage for a second time. I nearly winced myself, my first time had not been good.
‘And what about your eggs?’ my best friend wailed, ‘They won’t know what a sperm is even if it makes its way to the promised land!’
I hated to admit it but Dee’s words hit a mark. Which was ridiculous. I was only twenty – eight, almost twenty – nine, hardly at high risk of diminishing fertility returns. And yet, I couldn’t deny a sense of hollow emptiness that had no place in my gut.
I’d become mother and father to my younger brother and sister when our parents had died in a tragic crash about ten years ago, just after I’d graduated from secondary school, so I’d had my fair share of parenting before my time.
But…I couldn’t deny that I’d been feeling hollow since my sister Caitlin, the youngest, had emigrated to New York some months ago. And if I was totally honest, for some years before that, when my younger brother by one year, Johnny, had also left home for New York, after yet another blistering row. One of many, as Johnny had navigated his grief and desire to rebel against every constraint I’d put on him out of fear he’d go off the rails completely.
Johnny had walked out on us and a university place to do Architecture. It had only been since Caitlin had moved to New York and tracked him down that he and I had begun tentatively reconnecting. For years I’d felt the awful guilt that I’d pushed him away.
As if reading my mind, Dee said, ‘Maro, you know I’m only joking. You, more than anyone I know deserves to enjoy some freedom and fun. But I know you miss Johnny and Caitlin.’
Absurdly, I felt emotion rise and quickly took a sip of wine to hide it. Thankfully Dee moved on. ‘Anyway, more importantly how are we going to get you back on the horse?’
I snorted into my wine. ‘I think it’d have to be a horse after all this time.’
Dee touched her glass off mine, ‘Cheers to that!’ She looked around, ‘Now, I wonder if there’s anyone here…’
‘Dee,’ I hissed, ‘Don’t you dare do anything to embarrass me.’
She looked at me, eyes wide, ‘Who? Moi?’
I snorted again but then Dee was putting down her glass of wine and rummaging in her bag, taking out her phone and squinting at it. She refused to wear glasses in public and couldn’t use contact lenses because she had sensitive eyes. I felt better after remembering that. She wouldn’t be able to see Pedro Pascal himself unless he stood inches away from her.
‘Oh crap, crappity crap.’ She looked at me and I knew instantly.
‘It’s the twins?’
She nodded, ‘Paddy has had this bug for days and now Seanie looks like he’s getting it too. I’d better go and help. Dan is saying he’s ok but – ‘
‘He’s sending out the bat signal of distress. It’s fine, go, believe me I’ll enjoy this wine all the more knowing I don’t have that kind of responsibility anymore.’
‘Cow,’ Dee said affectionately as she hugged me. ‘At least Johnny and Caitlin were well out of nappies and creche lurgies when you had to take over. We’ll do this again, I promise.’ She pulled back and looked at me critically and then she reached out and flicked open a couple of buttons on my silk shirt dress before I could do anything.
‘That’s better,’ she said, as I spluttered. ‘You need to show off that gorgeous rack of yours. What I wouldn’t give for your breasts, I’m still paying for mine.’
I refrained from telling her, yet again, that her breasts had been beautiful. But yes, slightly small. Unlike mine. Double D all the way. Since I was a young teenager, much to my chagrin.
Dee heroically downed the rest of her wine and stood up. She pointed at me, ‘You are not to go anywhere. You sit there and look alluring and make eyes at a man until he comes over and buys you a drink, got it?’
‘Any man?’
‘I think at this point you just need someone with a pulse to get you going again then we can get fussy.’ And then she left with a jaunty wave before I could throw something at her.
She was going home to her husband and babies and even though I’d sworn off anything like that until I’d enjoyed my freedom, I couldn’t deny that I was lonely. And I felt even lonelier sitting in this trendy bar while all around me friends were gathering, or couples had their heads bent together.
I did want to get back on the horse, so to speak, but maybe not tonight. I’d have to stop making excuses eventually, I didn’t have a younger sister to use as a buffer between me and coming to terms with the fact that my development had been arrested at the age of eighteen when I’d had to assume the kind of responsibility that most people don’t deal with until they have kids of their own.
It wasn’t as if I was a virgin, I’d had sex with my first boyfriend at sixteen. After all, I had developed early and my breasts had proved very useful in attracting male attention.
But, after our parents had died, that part of my life had ceased to exist, apart from a couple of nights when I’d been dragged out with well – meaning friends which had ended in unsatisfactory one – night stands. As you can imagine, the urge to cram as much into the night as possible had been paramount.
Safe to say that I hadn’t really ever had the kind of heart – pounding, leg – trembling, knicker – wetting sexual experience that I’d read about in my many romance novels. I was now addicted to a series about blue aliens with absolutely massive –
‘Ahem.’
I looked up from where I’d been staring into my almost empty wine glass. A waiter all dressed in black was standing there with a glass of wine on a tray. He said, ‘This is from the gentleman at the bar.’
I looked around the waiter to his right but the only man I could see was a much older man. My insides sank. I’m not saying he wasn’t attractive but he was about my father’s age if he was still alive –
‘No, behind me the other side,’ said the waiter in a low voice, moving his head in the direction.
Oh. I looked around his left side and my heart stopped. Literally stopped. The man was sitting on a stool looking right at me. Actually he was half standing, half sitting because he was so tall. He wasn’t too old. He looked…perfect. Almost too perfect. How had I not noticed him before now? He was gorgeous. Broad. Muscled, even from here and visible under his suit. A suit that looked bespoke because it hugged those muscles so lovingly.
One leg was bent, his foot hitched on the rung of the stool and I swear his thigh looked like a tree trunk from here.
I looked back up. He had a thick head of dark blond hair. Messy. And a rough buzz of facial hair. Almost a beard. I felt a little weak. I’d always loved bearded men. He was very…bearish.
I dragged my gaze away and squinted at the waiter. ‘Is that him?’
The waiter nodded, eyes wide. ‘He told me that if you take the glass of wine, he’ll take that as a signal he can join you. If not, he’ll leave you alone. No pressure.’
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Had Dee somehow seen this man on the street and paid him to do this? I wouldn’t put it past her. A part of me was tempted to just shake my head and say no thanks and head home but then I thought of our family home in the suburbs. Empty. Cold. Empty. Lonely.
Before I could overthink it I nodded abruptly and said, ‘Ok, yes, I’ll take the wine.’
The waiter put the glass down and said sotto voce ‘I don’t blame you, he’s a total ride,’ and turned and walked away.
